Empty

Dear Heavenly Father,

The clouds cleared from the mountain yesterday, and the sun came out in full array. I watched it rise in the morning, then bow over the mountain peak. I could not peel my eyes from the perfectly blue atmosphere. I wondered to myself and repeated to you, “The sky is clear, but it is not clear to me. I do not know.”

The moon is in her new phase, so after the sun set, the blue atmosphere turned pitch black. An eerie feeling swept over me when I looked into the darkness and realized that not a single star shone. Then the clarity came. The sky was not clear; it was empty. It was not for me to know; it was for me to see.

Father, I thought the steps I’ve taken would lead me to a clear knowledge. Instead, those steps have led me to that dusty old closet heart of mine, to clear it out: resentment, distraction, frustration, embarrassment, disappointment, even that stubborn ego, all my friends. Perhaps it’s odd to call these things friends, but they have kept me company. So easy to turn to them. And is it also odd that without them, I feel empty? And can that emptiness be mistaken for loneliness?

Clear can mean clear knowledge, but it can also mean cleared out. And is that what you wanted me to know on that clear day? That knowing is less about knowledge and more about seeing?

I do see things. My mind strays into space where symbolism is the language that bridges heaven and earth. I dream dreams, and imagine images, and number figures, and hear hearings. I’m just getting to know these things, spiritual gifts to take the place of old friends. So, could that emptiness not be loneliness, but actually an openness?

One thing I know is that your answers always come in an unexpected way, for I saw a rainbow on that clear day. A rainbow not made by a storm at play, but by a prism light coming through my window bay. Rainbows have long since been a way for you to say, a promise you’ll keep, and forever present you’ll stay. So, next time I see a rainbow, I will stop and pray for your daughters’ pain to be taken away. And I will do what I can and continue to seek, for a path to Zion to be laid.

As I deepen my communion with thee, my Heavenly Mother’s feminine influence grows in my heart.

I am your daughter, sincerely,

Emily

Amen.